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September 05, 2004

Grammatically Incorrect Authors Catalog College Slang

FROM A PAIR OF FROZEN-IN-TIME HUMORISTS comes a collection of contemporary college slang.

Derrick Pittman and Ben Applebaum, founders of CollegeStories.com, a 5-year old site that compiles stories of college life, have come out with their first book, entitled “Turd Ferguson and The Sausage Party: An Uncensored Guide to College Slang.”

Not surprisingly, given the authors’ well-developed comedic capabilities, their man-guy testosterone predilections, and the fact that—after all—we’re talking about college here, the slang phrases revolve around body parts (usually female), sex, drinking and robust revelry.

The following are some of the popular phrases identified in the book:

Bar Scar: All the wristbands and ink left over after making the rounds at the bars.

Cash Cow: An ATM.

Hitting the Snooze Bar: To continue to hook up with someone even though you should really break up. Prolonging the inevitable.

Kelvin Club: The rare feat of having a GPA that equals absolute zero.

Osmosis: A method of study employed by crammers who fall asleep with their heads on their books. Not very reliable.

Party Foul: An incident that goes against the rules of the party. For example, spilling your glass of red wine on the Dean’s white carpet during an elegant mixer or mistaking the coat closet for a bathroom.

Pizza Bones: The uneaten crust of a pizza. Often scavenged by cheap friends like Barry down the hall.

Sausage Party: A gathering of many more men than women.

Sexiled: When someone is forced to sleep outside his/her room when his/her roommate wants to have sex in the room.

Tomb of the Dead Soldiers: A trashcan filled with many, many beer cans.

Turd Ferguson: A social sore who decides things like exposing oneself in public or driving drunk are good ideas.

Vitamin N: Short for vitamin nicotine. Having a cigarette first thing in the morning.

Vurp: When you burp but some vomit comes up, too.

The introduction of the Turd Ferguson slang guidebook stirred the august members of the College Athletics Clips Linguistic Phraseology & Vernacular Committee to contemplate the compilation of a college athletics version of slang phrases.

But we need your help.

Therefore, the LP&V; Committee would like to hereby solicit from our readers any and all slang related to athletics, coaches, officials, academics, the NCAA, cheerleaders, Title IX, and so on. Submissions should be sent to Nick Infante, 3rd Assistant Acting Interim Temporary Intern Editor-In-Training at [email protected]

(this 412 word excerpt—with attendant commentary—was distilled from a 1074 word article in the Winston-Salem Journal of 9-1-04)